Humour (Humor): Writings/Ramblings: Altavista Support

How tech-support doesn't support.

AltaVista Support

I find it very frustrating when I'm trying to sort something out and I just can't find the info I want. I had received an email from AltaVista telling me that it was reducing the payments on its search engine on my web site unless I signed up for its premium service. So there I was at the AltaVista site trying in vain to find out what its premium service is, besides better paying.

I didn't find out, but I did find this in their FAQ:

How can I clear cookies?

...

For Netscape Navigator 4.x

1.Go to the "Program Files\Netscape\Users\default" directory on your C: drive.

NOTE: If you have multiple profiles for Netscape, you will need to open the folder containing your user-specific files. For example, if your profile name is "jdoe," you need to open the "jdoe" folder instead of the "default" folder shown above (the path would be "C:\Program Files\Netscape\Users\jdoe").

2.Delete the file named cookies.txt.

Oh, whoopee. A PC-biased FAQ at a reputable site like AltaVista. (No mention of Macs, and no mention that the instructions only applied to PCs.) I was about to give up on their search engine anyway, so I emailed them, quoting the above passage.

My computer doesn't _have_ a C: drive. So where are these cookie things?

And FWIW I don't see why I should need to "sign-up" for any "Premier" service. What info do you want that you don't have at the moment? All I want is a search engine on my own web site. That's it. Nothing more. You have made things ridiculously complicated for me to do that. Here I am, an applied physicist, and I can't even find out why there is a premier service, other than it pays more. What gives?

Thus, I'll be looking into alternatives, like Google. It looks like you can keep your money.

The "money" was US$2.43 from searches done through my page. Easy come, easy go. They wrote back:

Dear Valued Member,

To find your cookies and then delete them, follow these steps :
Click the Start button, then Find, then click Files or Folders.

In the Named field, type in *@*.txt. Ensure that the Look in field is pointed to search the C: drive. Then click Find Now.

Once your cookie files have been located click one of them to highlight it. Then press the CTRL and A keys at the same time. This will select all the found files. Then delete them all.

Sincerely,
[Name removed]
AltaVista Support Team

No explanation of what the premium service is, and the person completely ignored my claim of not having a C: drive. Duh. In the meantime, I had made the change to Google.

I repeat: MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE A C: DRIVE.

I have already changed to Google. I realise it uses the same company for its reporting, but it still manages to be more straight forward, perhaps because the search engine is the only tool they offer. That suits me just fine.

I don't really care about the money, but since it is the same company, perhaps you could arrange for it to be forwarded to my new (Google) account.

I think I either confused him or I annoyed him. His reply:

Dear Valued Member,

What is the question?

Sincerely,
[Name removed]
AltaVista Support Team

Oh dear. My email to him had my original email included as a quote. So instead of quoting it again, I quoted my original email (the first purple quote above) and just added...

I gave up looking for the answers on your web site and emailed you. But you don't actually need to answer the questions any more, because since my original email to you I have changed to Google. However, the answers might still be interesting, and useful for future reference.

Thank you for your time.

And the reply:

Dear AltaVista Customer,

Thank you for your inquiry.
To find your cookies and then delete them, follow these steps :
Click the Start button, then Find, then click Files or Folders.

In the Named field, type in *@*.txt. Ensure that the Look in field is
pointed to search "Local Hard drives". Then click Find Now.

Once your cookie files have been located click one of them to highlight
it. Then press the CTRL and A keys at the same time. This will select
all the found files. Then delete them all

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us again.

Sincerely,

AltaVista Support Team

Interesting - this time there wasn't any name signed on it. But the answer is really a bit silly. I tried it on the PC at work and it didn't find any .txt files, of which there are plenty. At this point a friend thought that adding my tag line about learning to use a Mac would be a good idea. But I think I'll leave it for a while. Heh heh heh...

By the Start button, do you mean the power button on my keyboard? When I do the search you recommend, I get the message "No items were found."

Thanks again.

That should either ring deafening warning bells or confuse them completely. No ".txt" files on a PC?!?

Dear AltaVista Customer,

Thank you for your inquiry.

You don't have any cookies then

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us again.

Sincerely,

[Name removed]
AltaVista Support Team

I don't think I replied to that one.